Violence begets violence

“…the ultimate weakness of violence: it multiplies evil and… it doesn't solve any problems.” Martin Luther King Jr.

Widespread violence has been the order of the day across the country, as a fallout of peaceful protests which spiralled out of control. The protests called for the end to a cycle of VIOLENCE perpetrated by men of the Special Anti-Robbery Squad (SARS) – a police unit better known for extortion, harassment, torture and murder of young citizens.

In a bid to end the protests which had gone on for several days in the streets, impeding certain socio-economic activities following blockage of roads, security forces resorted to VIOLENCE by gunning down unarmed civilians.

Evidently, this situation originated from (the use of) VIOLENCE and, as Lord Byron noted, “the sight of blood to crowds begets the thirst of more…” Michael N. Nagler also points out that ”…allowing violence to be used, or reacting in kind - will only serve to increase the violence.” It is, therefore, hardly any surprise that this chain of violence has only degenerated.

Smoke billowed overhead in several parts of the country as aggrieved (and even manipulated) youths, as well as unscrupulous opportunists, took to the streets to burn and loot malls, banks, vehicles amongst other government, public and private properties. Prison breaks have also been reported.

Tension and insecurity now rent the air; all taking root from the unproductive yet prevailing culture of VIOLENCE pervading our society. What is the way forward?

While it may not always be easy to embrace nonviolent alternatives in the face of agitation, it is pertinent to remember the words of Isaac Asimov that, “Nonviolence doesn't always work - but violence never does.”

VIOLENCE has consistently failed to produce any good, temporary or permanent. It there behoves on the government and the people alike, to sincerely pursue justice and equity through dialogue and understanding, because, according to Edward Bond, "if we do not stop being violent we have no future."

THE CRUCIAL ROLE OF MOTHERS IN RAISING BOYS WHO WON’T RAPE

First, I have to state that the duty of raising a well-behaved and well-balanced child – whether male or female – lies with both parents, as well as with every adult in the life of the child. However, there is a certain peculiarity, which can be exploited to strengthen this process, especially as it pertains to raising the male child.

Daughters are often somewhat attached to their fathers, while sons share a similar bond with the mothers. Mothers can and should, therefore, leverage this very unique and important relationship to influence the male child’s development.

Boys are usually seen to be aggressive, and so are generally regarded as the “tougher” of the two genders. Yet it is very commonplace to see a male child cringe at the sight of the mother in pain or hurt. Consequent of this, the male child is often more likely to take sides with his mother in the event of domestic parental conflict. 

Therein lies the very useful scenario that has been under-utilized, but needs to be harnessed in moulding the character of the male child into a boy (who will grow into a man) who will not rape.

As they grow into adulthood, especially in adolescence, girls grow and mature faster than boys. During puberty, therefore, more attention is paid to the girl child for obvious reasons, while the boy is often left out.

This is where the disconnect (between mother and male child) begins.

While the girl is taught to take responsibility (as she is groomed to become a mother and wife) in the home, the boy is mostly inadvertently left to take counsel mostly from peers. It is at this point that he could imbibe unwholesome tendencies as these counsels greatly influence his development in terms of his perceptions, perspectives and attributes during this formative stage of his life.

The point here is that the empathy and sympathy the male child feels for the mother as a child must be consciously cultivated during his formative years. The male child can and should be groomed to persist with this compassionate and “protective” disposition as he grows into adulthood.

This disposition should be leveraged to reinforce the message that it is grievous to hit or hurt, or even disrespect or be rude to a girl or a woman, no matter the provocation. Growing up with such a disposition and mindset should greatly inhibit any tendency to molest or violate, not to talk of rape.

Stop Violence Against Children

Upon their birth, children are generally a source of delight, love and unity. It is therefore very sad when, only a few years later, these same children are subjected to various forms of abuse, often violently.

Article 19 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC) defines Violence against Children as “all forms of physical or mental violence, injury or abuse, neglect or negligent treatment, maltreatment or exploitation, including sexual abuse, while in the care of parent(s), legal guardian(s) or any other person who has the care of the child.”

As stated in this definition, violence against a children can occur in a variety of forms. No matter how widespread or prevalent, there is no justification for any mentally or physically-abusive practices in raising a child. As long as a child is being subjected to the discomfort of physical pain (even if intended to be corrective) it constitutes violence!

We should work on instilling proper discipline in the child early on rather than vent the displeasure and frustration of a child’s misbehaviour on the child by beating him up. Child labour and sexual abuse should also be discouraged.

Violence against a child does not only leave an indelible agonizing psychological scar on a child (thereby encumbering his all round development), they also teach him a wrong notion thereby nurturing a culture of violence.

Recommended strategies to prevent violence against children

Support for parents, caregivers and families

Proper education on children’s development will increase the likelihood of positive disciplining methods and reduces the risk of violence within the home.

ü  Helping children manage conflict

Teaching children and youth the skills and appropriate measures to manage conflict without the use of violence, is imperative for reducing violence in schools and communities.

ü  Changing attitudes and social norms that encourage violence

Discouraging those attitudes and social (religious and cultural) norms that portend violence is very necessary to prevent violence from occurring in the first place. 

ü  Promoting and providing support services for children

Encouraging children to report incidents of violence and seek professional support helps them to resolve and better cope with experiences of violence.

ü  Implementing laws and policies that protect children

Implementing and enforcing laws and policies that protect children from abuse will deter society from violence.

ü  Data collection and research

Knowing about violence – where it occurs, in what forms, and which age groups and communities of children are most affected – is essential to planning intervention strategies and setting targets to curb violence.

It is our moral and human right to act now and break the cycle of violence against children.

It is Children’s Day; we can start today.

Every Teacher, a PEACE Teacher

Every year, children are sent to school to learn and it is unthinkable that a child will graduate without acquiring basic skills of reading, writing and solving simple calculation problems, which are believed will equip the child for further stages of life.

Yet, most of these children graduate from school (and perhaps finish their entire academic career) without ever being formally taught how to SOLVE their basic daily conflicts.

By so doing, children fail to learn one of the most essential lessons of life: how to make peace in times of conflict (an inevitable feature of daily living).

It has quite rightly been said that, “If we don’t teach our children peace, someone else will teach them violence.’’ The implication of this is that, by failing to teach children how to peacefully resolve their everyday conflicts, we are consciously and unconsciously promoting violence.

There is therefore a need to prevent and counter violence by teaching and inspiring peace within and amongst children, every passing day, in the homes and especially the classrooms. This is one sure way to ensure that they will grow to be peace-loving youths and adults.

At the most basic level, teach children that violence does not have to happen; that there are several other ways to resolve their petty conflicts without harming or hurting others. Teach children that the following simple steps will almost always lead to peace:

·        Admit what you did was wrong.

·        Apologize for how your choice affected the other person.

·        Ask for forgiveness.

·        Think over and plan to act differently next time.

Peace starts with each one of us. Peace starts with YOU.

Spare the rod; spoil the child?

Do we really “spoil the child” when we “spare (the child hurt from) the rod”?Does hurting the child with the rod necessarily bring out the best in the child?I suppose it should then follow that every undisciplined child today must have been spared the rod, right?

Wrong.

Much as they vary in temperament and capabilities, children can be trained to become well-behaved without necessarily having to undergo the pain of being beaten up.The reason for the seeming “supremacy” of the rod in training a child is because we have a higher proclivity to punish bad behaviour as a way to correct the child.

As adults, we are generally (supposed to be) smarter than children and so are in a better position to speculate and understand their antics. We should, consequently, be better equipped to “manipulate” them to produce the desired behavioural patterns. And there is no better way to get children to do your bidding, than proactively by preventing them from bad behaviour in the first place. This is discipline.

Therein lies the conundrum, but let me digress a bit to make an important clarification.

The concepts of punishment and discipline are often misconstrued. It is pertinent to note that there is a difference between the two.Basically, discipline is proactive, while punishment is reactive;discipline prevents a child from wrong doing, while punishment comes as a result of wrong doing.

An easy way to discipline children and get them to behave properly is by involving them in setting specific rules and behavioural patterns and the accompanying penalties for non-compliance. This way, they will first owe it as a duty to themselves not to break the rules they help set up.

Children love glorification and reward, and this inherent “weakness” can be exploited to induce discipline. We should therefore coax children into behaving well by using reward systems, rather than wait to punish their misdeeds.This high propensity for punishing the child should therefore be replaced with a tendency to encourage and reward good behaviour.

Of course there are incorrigible cases of exceptionally mischievous or recalcitrant children who seem beyond redemption and we – out of despair and frustration – resort to using the rod. Well, even when we do have to punish, it does not have to be by beating up the child! There are various other ways to punish a child for wrong doing.

Deprivation (of anything that gives the child joy) is a sure way. Grounding (while the others go on a social outing, or even just outside to play) is another. Threatening to report his misdeed to the child’s parent(s), teacher, or any adult who is influential in the child’s life will cause the offending child some discomfort. And if any of these various other ways does not deter a particular child, there are many possible combinations that should ensure compliance! However, be sure to let the child know why he is being punished.

Let us first look beyond the rod of punishment.If you manage a child properly he will be disciplined and you will not need to use the rod (of correction).