Raise Nonviolent Children in a Violent World: Teach gentleness

In a world where violence and cruelty are so common and seem to be almost acceptable, it is important to make an attempt to reverse the trend. It is of utmost importance to help children to be peaceful and nonviolent – to develop a sense of compassion for others.

As parents and adults, you cannot completely control all the things that affect your children's lives because children also spend a lot of time away from you, out in the competitive 'real world' which can often be harsh and aggressive. Then again, each child has a distinct personality and characteristics you can neither change nor control.

There are, however, ways you can raise compassionate and nonviolent children. One effective way is to teach them gentleness.

Empathy is innate; children show signs of concern from a very early age. They react with concern when they see unhappiness, wanting to help or fix the problem. This is evident in the way they handle their “baby” toys, or when they see somebody hurt.

As parents, it is most important that you let children know how deeply you feel about their behaviour toward others. Let them know how much it means to you that they behave responsibly and show kindness.

When you see a child doing something cruel, you should let them know right away that you do not approve of such behaviour. Speak firmly and honestly, and keep your focus on the act, not on the child’s personality. The idea is to teach them, not to make them feel guilty. Tell them, “What you did is not very nice”, rather than, “YOU are very wicked!”

Your reaction needs to be accompanied by information – an explanation of why you disapprove of the child’s action. Be frank, honest and upfront with children about what kind of behaviour you do and do not like. If they see that you have a real emotional commitment to something, it's more likely that the issue will become important to them, too.

Children watch their parents, and other adults, for clues on how to behave. In other words, our actions speak louder than words. If you are consistently caring and compassionate, it's more likely that your children or children around you will be too. Keep in mind that children pay a lot more attention to what you do; so much so that they may even question your contradictory disposition if you say one thing and do another.

Consequently, try to surround your children with other people who are kind and caring, so that they have several positive role models.

Parents understandably worry that their effort at home could be undermined by outside influences such as their children's friends, daily violence in the neighbourhood, movies, or a culture that exalts brutal or violent 'heroes'.

Here are a few things that you can do to help counteract these influences:

·         Give them books that promote compassionate behaviour.

·         Encourage them to watch movies, programmes, or shows that promote ideas about caring and helping.

·         You can't shield your children from everything, but a little discussion can go a long way. You may want to limit their viewing of violent programs or make out time to view such materials with them so as to provide proper guidance. Ask them to think about what they saw and to consider other approaches the characters might have taken.

·         Try to find organized ways for your children to get involved. Many volunteer organizations and churches have special programs for young people and even for children.

Between Punishment and Discipline

When children make mistakes or misbehave, it behooves on the parents to correct them. However, the parents’ actions can determine whether or not a child learns from mistakes and takes the necessary correction. When it comes to correcting children, there’s a big difference between punishment and discipline and understanding this difference makes all the difference in terms of results.

Punishment

The word "punish" means allotting a penalty for an offense, and usually includes inflicting some kind of hurt. Punishment is therefore usually a penalty for an offense.

Many parents have outbursts of anger due to frustration occasioned by a child’s repeated misbehaviour. As a result, the sole aim of punishment by such parents is often a desperate bid to maintain control and to establish who is in charge. With this come a lot of problems.

A major problem with punishment is that children are given the message that they are, or have been bad – but they are not taught how to behave. The punishment “package” doesn't give them an opportunity to right their wrongs. It leads to guilt, shame, bitterness, resentment, regret, self-pity, fear and a lot of other negative emotions which the children focus on, as opposed to focusing on what they did wrong or how they can learn from and correct it.

Punishment also teaches children that they are somewhat incapable of behaving appropriately. They end up lacking confidence in themselves and in their ability to make decisions because they are unsure of what their parents’ views will be.

When children receive frequent punishments, they may grow up to be hostile and aggressive, especially if these punishments are inconsistent or incommensurate with offense.

Discipline

Discipline focuses on preventing misbehaviour in children by teaching them how to learn from their mistakes, manage their behaviours, deal with their feelings and find better ways to solve problems in the future.

Discipline is a loving way to show children your desire to keep them safe, teach them to make healthy choices for themselves, and gain independence. Age appropriate discipline strategies help children feel secure in their relationships with others and promote healthy self-esteem.

Discipline also helps foster a positive relationship between children and parents as children are often given positive attention on a regular basis to help reduce attention-seeking behaviours. Basically, effective discipline teaches children how to become responsible adults. 

Discipline or Punishment?

While punishment is entirely retributory, discipline is future-based, preventing future acts. Simply put, discipline is proactive, punishment is reactive.

Whereas the purpose of punishment is to inflict a penalty for an offense, the purpose of discipline is to train for correction and maturity. Whereas the origin of punishment is the frustration of the parent, the origin of discipline is a high motivation for the welfare of the child. And whereas the result of punishment is fear and shame, the result of discipline is security. Discipline always holds the child's best interests, not the parent's anger, in the forefront.

None of us wants God to give us what we deserve when we do wrong. But as much as we enjoy His mercy when applied to us, we have a hard time applying it to others, especially when the “others” are people we have control over (like children).

It is impartial to relate with God on the basis of mercy and with children on the basis of judgment. The parents’ role is to provide appropriate consequences and instruction to help children grow up behaving appropriately.

Disciplinary Mistakes Parents Make

Our children’s attitudes in future are shaped by amongst a host of other factors, the kind of discipline they receive today. To raise peaceful and peace-loving children we must therefore instill and uphold proper discipline from childhood.

Learning how to discipline a child in a most effective way can seem like an impossible task. This is because parents make some basic mistakes with discipline from the onset. Some of these mistakes are highlighted below.

 

Not giving the right kind of attention

Positive attention reduces attention-seeking behaviour such as whining, temper tantrums and other intentional annoying behaviours. When children don’t get attention for positive behaviours they often act out just to get any kind of attention.

Giving your child your undivided attention for a reasonable amount of time per day can help reduce a lot of negative behaviour in addition to building a positive relationship.

Praise is another way to give children positive attention. Others are (material or financial) reward systems.

Short-Term Solutions

Another mistake parents make is focusing on the short-term. Good discipline techniques should also have the long-term in focus.

For example, just to get him to behave well for a specific duration or for a specific purpose, a parent may be tempted to give in to a whining child. This, unfortunately, teaches the child that whining and complaining is a good way to get his needs met; a lesson which may go on to affect the child in other areas of his life.

Since he now believes that whining will get his needs met, this child will most probably have a lot of problems with his siblings and peers who are more likely to get annoyed than to give in to his whining.

When parents stick to limits and provide fair, consistent, authoritative discipline strategies, children will learn that there are negative consequences for their actions and behaviours.

Lack of Clear and Consistent Rules

When there are not clear rules, a child can get quite confused as to what is expected from him. Sometimes the problem is that each parent has a different rule or interpretation of the rule, resulting to the child viewing one parent as “good” and the other parent as “bad.”

Other times, a parent does not consistently follow through with limits and consequences. For instance, an overworked parent may feel too tired to make the child do his homework some nights. This can be confusing to the child who may argue with the parent on nights when the parent compels him to complete his homework.

Establishing rules helps children have more structure. When children are clear what the limits and consequences are, they know their limits and can make more informed decisions.

It is also important that children have assigned chores and clear rules about money, to teach them responsibility.

Not Having a Discipline Plan

When it comes to managing behavioural issues it is better to be proactive rather than reactive. Take some time to develop and spell out comprehensive behaviour management plan. When problems are tackled with a clear plan, it is much easier to track the child’s progress and make changes when necessary.

Without a clear plan, parents sometimes struggle to deal with or curb bad behaviour. For example if a child hits others, a parent may not know how to deal with the child’s aggression. As a result, the parent may use multiple punitive measures; the parent may “ground” the child at one time, or may spank the child out of exasperation another time. This inconsistency will be confusing to the child and ultimately ineffective.

Parents need to develop and maintain a consistent (mis)behaviour management plan with their children to ensure that children receive clear messages about their behaviour.

teach children to settle LITTLE ARGUMENTS before they BECOME FIGHTS

“If we are to teach real peace in this world,... we shall have to begin with the children.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Somebody once said, “We are a nation of peace illiterates”; and it’s not entirely untrue. We put children through just over 12 years of Elementary and High school education where they learn amongst other things how to solve algebra, yet we do not teach them anything about how to solve conflicts or make peace, when disagreements and misunderstandings are rife and take the place of any lively discussions of algebra amongst them every day.

“…the motivation to use violence to solve problems needs to be seriously questioned. It is essential that we help our children perceive peaceful alternatives….” – Naomi Drew

Every child experiences conflicts, which can be resolved either by violent or nonviolent means. A culture of violence in our society makes the child tilt towards the former. This makes it imperative that children be taught and constantly reminded to choose peaceful and nonviolent alternatives in every event of conflict.

“War is an invention of the human mind. The human mind can also invent peace.” - Norman Cousins

Let children know that violence is a choice, not inevitability.

“A universal renunciation of violence requires the commitment of the whole of society… In order to change, the world needs everyone” – Frederico Mayor

With a combined power of all the people in the world, we can start making the world peaceful. Let your children know that by living peacefully in our homes, schools, and communities, absolute peace is attainable. Most importantly, let your children know that we ALL need to be part of the solution. Collectively, we can make a difference.

"The greatest gift we can give to our children is to raise them in a culture of peace." – Louise Diamond

The more children we teach about solving small arguments before they become fights, the more peace-loving and peace-making adults we will raise. If enough children are taught to solve problems without hurting others, the world will most definitely become more peaceful.

Peace starts with each of us.

Spanking: A silent Seed of Violence in children

Many do not see anything wrong when they “discipline” a child by beating or flogging (notice how violent even the words sound?). After all, it is culturally unacceptable to “spare the rod and spoil the child”, right?

We often hear, “…Nobody can decide for me whether or not to beat MY child, after all, I brought him to this world…!” And you begin to wonder if beating up a child is proof of paternity.

Others say, “…my parents spanked me when I was a child, but I came through it alright…” Admitting that some of our parents made mistakes in certain aspects of our disciplinary upbringing may seem like a betrayal or ingratitude, but it’s a fact. Either some of our parents did not know any better, just repeated what was done to them, or did what they considered the best based on what they knew.

Let us think critically. Is the concept of actually inducing pain the best punitive measure? Did we honestly feel any remorse for our misdeeds when we were spanked by some of our parents? Was it not the dialogue and soft words of reprimand that made us feel truly remorseful? In today’s dynamic world, parents need to meticulously address issues of discipline if they are to raise peace-loving and morally upright children.

Studies show that spanking is not more effective than non-physical punishments. Most parents who spank children only do so either because it is customary, or because they don’t know what else to do to control or punish a child. So what happens when spanking does not resolve a problem (like we all know it rarely does)? A tendency to hit harder emerges, right?

No matter how we try to justify or defend it, the fact remains that spanking is an act of violence. Despite widespread usage and acceptability, hitting someone is a violent act. One may be tempted to compare spanking a child to correct him with subjecting a patient to an injection to surgery. Well, injections and surgery have proved largely fruitful while spanking has not.

The violence we witness today in society is perpetrated by people. And these people did not become violent overnight. Parents show violence examples when they spank and the child learns that it is acceptable to gain control and power by inflicting pain on others. They emulate their parents and thereby develop violent lifestyles.

Generally, a closer parent-child relationship greatly reduces instances of truancy and misbehaviour in children. But where there is need to punish, there are several other forms of punishment which could be employed singly, alternately or simultaneously.

Remember that children can tell when they are punished for an offence from when parents transfer frustrations on them. They can also tell whether or not punishment is commensurate with the offence. So for every incident, the child should know why he is being punished, while the punishment should not surpass the offence. There should have been warnings or rebuke for first offenders with the punishments for recurrence clearly spelt out and agreed upon.

Children should never be punished in anger or in a way that may defeat the purpose of the punishment. They should always be made to understand that it is their misdeed that the parent hates and not them.

Yes, children are very recalcitrant, but they can be punished and corrected without spanking. By spanking, we abet a vicious cycle of violence that has been successfully passed on for several generations now. By spanking, we are simply bequeathing the same seed of violence as an inheritance to our children.

Imagine a new generation that knows nothing about hurting the next person…

The Prevalence of Violence in Nigeria: What are we doing wrong?

In Nigeria, young people have been killed for helping to conduct elections. Others are murdered just for vying for a political office, while several others are killed because they belong to another ethnic group or religion. Bombs are going off sporadically, even at the Police Headquarters!

Nigeria has continued a steady decline into an abyss of insecurity because of the escalation of violence. Where are we getting it all wrong?

In Nigeria it is common to see mothers spank little babies or toddlers for even very minor offences they know anything about. Fathers (and mothers too) do same to young children and adolescents – some, even to much older children! Grown up housekeepers, “gatemen” and even drivers also suffer the same fate.

In Nigeria, we make it a non-issue and accept it as normal when a woman drags her husbands by the collar and screams the house down whenever they have a misunderstanding. This sometimes degenerates to fights….with the children as witnesses…

Prefects and ‘senior students’ beat other students up in schools as punishment, like their teachers do.

We read about a house help being bathed with hot water or even acid for the least misdeed, after which people try to play it down with, “…the girl is a witch….”, “…if not for me she would have rotted in the village, I’m even helping her…” etc. A guy had his private part bathed with acid by his partner who accused him of infidelity and the womenfolk remarked that he deserved it.

We justify mob action on suspected criminals (guilty or not), just as we applaud public fighting, cheering on some one when he beats up the other person that “deserves it”.

Every Friday and Sunday, we converge at Mosques and Churches respectively, but during the week, we are an unforgiving hostile and aggressive lot who perpetrate violence at the least provocation. Consequently, even our churches have now become “vengeance centres” where we are constantly at war to kill our enemies, just as wrong teachings or wrong interpretations at mosques have inspired murder.

Inflicting pain on anyone because they did something wrong is the genesis of violence in our society. Innumerable actions such as those mentioned have been the umbilical cord feeding the seed of violence growing in the womb of humanity in our part of the world.

It is quite unfortunate that violence has eaten so deep into the fabric of our social consciousness. But instead of a reversal, we continue to promote violence in a variety of forms, oblivious of and even unperturbed by their short and long-term consequences. The only time we unanimously condemn violence is when it’s fatal and deaths are recorded.

It has become increasingly necessary that we take stock of our attitudes and make conscious efforts to talk more and use our hands and fists less.

Lessons from Aluu

Many are blaming an ineffective law-enforcement system (and by extension, the government) for the brutal murder of the four students of the University of Port Harcourt by irate Aluu residents. Does the lack of confidence in our flawed judicial system justify the kind of “jungle justice” meted out to these boys?

The widely reported brutal murder of those boys, if anything, brings to the fore, deep-lying brutality and viciousness in our social vein.

I have a personal experience of Aluu from a short stay sometime in 2007. The area is known for incessant cases of robbery, so I believe the boys were just unlucky scapegoats on which the residents vented past grievances. But then, the vigilante group and whoever else subjected the boys to such a macabre death do not have any constitutional right to take laws into their hands to the extent of taking the boys’ lives. This is first degree murder!

Today the boys are dead and gone, but their blood, relatives and friends cry for justice. Unfortunately, it is almost certain that most of the perpetrators of this hideous act would have absconded from Aluu as soon as the matter grew out of hand. For a prolonged incident that enjoyed such coverage however, it shouldn’t be too difficult a task to track down the culprits and bring them to face the full wrath of the law. The Nigerian police and other law enforcement bodies should prove their efficiency here.

Students of the University must be discouraged from any form of reprisal as this will instigate a feud that will not only result in more casualties, but will go on to threaten their coexistence with indigenes of the community.

After all, no matter what is done now, these boys – guilty or innocent – will not come back to life.

This painful should be viewed as a deterrent and a constant reminder of our collective responsibility to ourselves, our children and our country; that of eradicating violence from society.